Monday
Aug262013

Why Chicago is Cooler than New York

 

1149721_10100963419202097_541671245_oam a huge New York fan. I have lived in this city for about 8 years and I still really, really love it and I know that there is no place like it. Usually when I travel I think, "this place is cool, but I miss New York”. This week I went to visit one of my favorite people in the world in a city I had never been to before: Chicago. Chicago, you have stolen my heart.

You are clean: When getting off the plane, I had to pee.  My stall was immaculate and the toilet was one of those fancy toilets that cleans itself after you use it. (In NY, you can only find this in Bryant park).  Okay Chicago, I get it.  I’m not even out of the airport and I already know that you’re cleaner than us.  I was there for four days and I saw three pieces of trash. Three. In New York, you can maybe find three inches of sidewalk where there isn't a piece of garbage.

Better transportation:

Cabs: I like a city that you don’t need a car.  Anywhere you need to go in Chicago is $10 in a cab. Seriously. I took a taxi during rush hour across town and it was still $10.  

Subway: Their trains are mostly above ground so you can use your phones while riding and NO ONE was being an asshole about it.  I didn’t hear one person on their phone the entire time that I rode the train.  (I also didn’t smell a hint of urine in the train station or see one piece of trash. See You are clean above).

 

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The Married With Children Fountain.

Food: Deep dish, ehhhh.  Sorry Chicago, but New York, you win Best Pizza but damn, those Chi-town hot dogs are perfect.  That peeper, the mustard, the poppy seeds...New York, your dogs don’t hold a candle.

Night life: We got a table to eat a delicious meal in a trendy part of town on a Saturday night with NO wait and NO reservation.  Beat that, New York.  

Rent: My friend pays what I pay in rent and has a big one bedroom, with a balcony and a backyard.  I have a studio apartment with no sunlight, a meth-dealer neighbor, and mice.  


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They have Wrigley Field.  

The Men: The men there are Midwestern Gentlemen.  They were cute, laid back, tall and cornfed.  Our men are stressed out, short, and complete assholes.

Lake Michigan: There is literally a beach in the middle of their city.  You don’t have to take the subway and a train to see a body of water that you can actually swim in.  And no, the Hudson River doesn’t count. If you swam in there you'd grow a few extra eyes and flippers.

Chicago has everything New York has: the theatre, the comedy, the food, the music but it’s smaller, and there are less people so you can actually enjoy it. I am serious, I have NEVER gone on vacation and thought I could live in a place tomorrow.  Chicago, you have me…. New York, I’m sorry.  


*** Disclaimer: Right now I have bed bugs.  Please check back in with me when this is cleared up to see if I still feel the same****

 

Wednesday
Jul172013

Pigeon Parade- Special Slop Edition

photo (10)I have lived in the same building for years now, and there is a corner down the street from my apartment that always has some sort of slop thrown on it.  Yes, slop.  It's the only way to describe it. Said slop infuriates me because it smells, it's slippery, and my dog wants to eat it. I have wondered for years, as I have to angrily drag my dog away from what looks like left over Chinese, or wet bread, or whatever else kind of crap is there, who would do this!? Who is throwing SLOP on the sidewalk? I have made speculations in the past as to which neighbor would do such a thing, but I've been searching for years, and I have never found a culprit.  Until now. While walking Oliver the dog the other day, I saw an old man walking down the street with a paper bag filled with something... could it be the slop that has haunted my hood for years?  I followed him, and sure enough...  it was this old man.  Not only did he throw the food, (which happened to only be bread this time) he sat there and watched in glee with this horrific smile on his face as the pigeons chowed down.  As you can see from the video, the worst part about the slop is that creates a pigeon parade on my own block.  And if you know me at all, you know how I feel about pigeons. 

 

Monday
Jul152013

Blame it on the Rain

IMG_0126 2I am not good at picking up guys.  In New York, we walk out of our doors and immediately put on our "fuck-you face", and I feel like this city has made me a "No-eye-contact monster" when it comes to interactions with cute strangers.  I had a really good friend in town recently who not only has no eye-contact issues, she is a very good wing woman. Emily was here for 5 days, and because of her I got three phone number exchanges out of it.  Nothing came from any of them. Well, except for this blog. You can thank Emily.

Emily took my Sex and the City tour one day while she was in town.  One of the stops on the tour is the Bleecker Playground/park so tourists can go to Magnolia, Jimmy Choo, and see if Suri Cruise is in the park wearing heels and acting like an asshole, etc.  When we got to this stop, I looked over and they had put a piano in the middle of Bleecker park and had an adorable piano player singing his happy little butt off. Piano man kept staring at me.  I had to walk past him a few times because I was leading the tour, and he just kept looking at me and smiling.  So Emily made me put my number in a dollar bill and put it in his tip bucket.  When I walked over to give him the dollar, he stopped singing and said, "Your number better be in there".  Game on!

He texted me the next day with a very standard, "Hi this is Jimmy from the park.  You seem interesting and I'd like to take you out sometime..."  No banter or anything funny or cute to work with, but hey, some people aren't great on text, right? Right. Not a deal breaker.  The next time I had a free night was almost a week later so we scheduled a date the next week.  He picked the place. Halleluah!  

I did not hear a word from him all week.  Nothing.  No texts, no banter, honestly nothing to look forward to. Side note: GUYS! You need to CALL a girl if you are going on a first date and you don't know each other ... it sets a really great foundation and gives us something to look forward to.  SO, I hear nothing from him. Nothing. Thursday comes, date day, and it's a gloomy day and looks like it's about to pour any minute.  Not ideal date weather, but whatever, it could be romantic. I'm thinking positively! I don't hear from him all day.  I get off of work. Still no contact. I go home and two hours before our date is supposed to happen, I finally text him asking if we are still on... here are our texts:

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So then I sent him a link for Blame it on the Rain, Milli Vanilli.

Listen, if he called me and said he was having a shitty day, and wanted to reschedule for next week, It would have been fine. I was exhausted from working all day anyway. It was the fact that I had to ask him two hours before if we were still on because I never heard a word from him, then we weren't on, then we were on, then I took a shower and got ready, then he said we weren't on, then I went out and got drunk with my friends and it rained for 5 minutes.  It was just rude. COURT A LADY, right? I didn't like, "Have a good night." Like it was over. End of story. Bye.

The next day, after he watched Blame it on the Rain, I get another text from him.

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I never let him know because by then I was over it.  Then a week later:

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And there it is.  Next!

Wednesday
Jun052013

Just Another New York Night (until you are accosted by a 2 liter bottle of Sprite)

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The other night I got all dressed up, put on some heels and went out on the town. I've been feeling really good lately.  I lost some weight, I got out of a relationship that made me bat shit crazy (Yes, I know you're probably reading this and if you were a little nicer to me when we broke up, I wouldn't even mention you in this post so... sorry, not sorry.)

I had a really great night and headed home at around 3, walked my dog Oliver and then went to my deli for my usual egg white and cheese on a whole wheat wrap.  When in the deli, Bill, the youngest brother of the deli-guy family was working. First of all, I know my deli guys for about 6 years.  They are my friends on facebook, they've met every ex boyfriend, and they know my family.

Before my wrap was ready, I went to the counter to pay, and in my way there was a woman in her 30's, who looked drunk, but not crazy, standing at the counter and blocking everyone from purchasing their stuff. She was rummaging through her purse and continuously dropping things on the floor.  She was obviously a mess and very drunk but i'm sure I've been in there in a similar state at some point in my years living in Hell's Kitchen I'm sure.  

There were a few other people in the deli and no one could make their purchases because she was in the way, rummaging through her bag, looking for a pen, gum, dropping pills, an inhaler... a mess.

After a good 7 minutes, Bill gave her a pen and asked her to please go to sit at the counter near the window so she wasn't in the way of his customers. Her response to tell him to shut the fuck up or she was going to call the police or punch him in the face.  Apparently, she had been there for a while and Bill was trying to be super patient, but now she was being aggressive.  She then called me a cunt, I guess because I was standing there. What a cunt I am! I was just waiting for my egg white and cheese dammit, and I wasn't going anywhere until I got it!  

She refused to move and said she was calling the cops.  Bill welcomed that idea! And as she was calling the cops, he was calling them as well.  When she called the cops she walked away for a minute towards the back of the store, but I heard her say rape, and what I think she said was that my deli guy raped her and then I really wasn't moving.  

Listen.  I had been in there now a good 10 to 15 minutes, I knew these guys, I knew this girl was drunk, and crying rape is scary and not okay.  I decided to just hang around until the cops came, just in case things got out of control and I needed to protect my deli guys.  So Oliver and I were just standing there when she came back from the back of the store, told us she called the cops and then threw a 2 liter bottle at me and my dog and it exploded everywhere.  My deli guy jumped over the counter so fast to protect me, it was actually really cute.  

I decided to step outside and wait for the cops out there and out of the corner of my eye, I saw this dude outside of the bar next door check me out a few times.  I wasn't really in a trolling mood, I had sprite all over me, it was almost 4am but he looked cute, so I snuck a peek.  Then the crazy girl ran out of the deli with cookies and a few 2 liter bottles of soda and was shoplifting!!! She ran across the street, the deli guy ran after her and then I saw her hit him in the face, twice!  It was insane.  Then she came running BACK across the street and it looked like this nut job was coming right at me... I ran across the street with Oliver yelling, "gotta protect my face" and that dude that was checking me out started laughing and scooped me up and hid with me across the street. My knight in shining armor, the only straight guy in Hell's Kitchen, walked me to the gay bar POSH and waited with me and Oliver until the cops came.  He then got my number and last night we met up and made out a lot.  See? It's not hard to meet a man.  You just have to get accosted, be called a cunt, and get the police involved.  

 

 

Friday
May242013

Me and Amanda Bynes

amanda-bynes-1339680687When I was younger I auditioned for the Nickelodeon show ALL THAT.  I was called back a few times and my dad and I had to drive back and forth to Orlando for the final callbacks. They made us write our own material, and I must have been ten years old at the time.  For part of my act, I wrote a parody of the song "I'm too Sexy" and sang and acted it as an old 80 year old Jewish lady. "Oy, I'm too sexy for my cane, too sexy for my cane, I'm sorry to complain..." you get the point. (As you read this, please sing that last sentence in your best old lady Jew voice to get the full effect. I swear it's funny.)

It got down to me and Amanda Bynes. Yes, THE Amanda Bynes. She got the part, I did not.  I was really upset that I didn't get the part but my mom told me, "Everything happens for a reason".

So now, I'm a Sex and City Tourguide and struggling actor living in Midtown Manhattan and Amanda Bynes is a retired actress, throwing bongs out of her window in Midtown Manhattan.  Is it bad that I can't tell who won?

US News | Weird News |

 

 

Thursday
May232013

A Typical Vacation with the Gentiles, aka the Griswolds

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Ahhhhh vacation.  Time off to spend with your loved ones, beach, sun, daytime drinking... Sounds like a typical vacation, right?  Not if you're a Gentile.

This week I headed to Florida with my family to go to a very good friends wedding.  My sister and I flew to Miami and my parents picked us up and we headed to the wedding destination, Key West.  Key West is only a few hours from Miami, but because my dad is Clark Griswold, we had to stop at the restaurant with the BEST conch in Florida, Shell World, and any other place that sold pointless knick Knacks or had the best something of some place.  When we arrived to our Marriott Hotel in Key West is was around midnight and we must have been in the car for over 8 hours. That's how we roll.

We stumbled out of the car exhausted and ready for bed, and checked in and went to the room.  There were five of us, so my mom booked us a lovely suite overlooking the kidney shaped pool. When we opened the door, we were hit with an overwhelming smell of some sort of cleaning supply.  I went over to the curtains on the sliding glass door to crack them open to help with the smell and I noticed an interesting decoration. It looked like little squiggles all over the curtains, and as I looked closer I realized, these were not little squiggly decorations, these were bugs.  Hundreds of bugs all over the curtains.  That smell was bug spray.  

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We called the front desk, now it was 1 am, and they came over to check out the situation.  The night manager, a bumbling idiot, told us he had never seen such bugs before and the 20 year old maintenance kid who clearly hates his job blurted out , "they are termites, they come through the AC unit". Right.  You've never seen them before. Idiots. They were completely sold out for the night, and the only room they had available was a room they called, "The Cave" which was a room that they stuck family and friends in. A small room with two double beds and no windows.  So we had no choice for the night.  We checked, everything else was sold out, and this seemed to be our only option in the area.  So there we were, the Griswolds.  Mom and dad in one bed, and Me, my sister and my brother (who is 6 foot) in the other. Kill us now.  

We "slept" for a few hours, and then we woke up early the next norning to talk to the manager and find another option for the next night's sleep.  They apologized profusely the next morning, and hooked us up with the nicest suite they had.  Let the vacation begin! 

 

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All was well that day.  My parents and I went day drinking and bar hopping all over Key West and my little brother came to join us. We went to the beautiful rehearsal dinner on a booze cruise, and returned home a little drunk, VERY tired, and ready to pass out.  We got ready for bed, and we were all resting our heads in our new beautiful room, almost asleep when my brother came in our room to pee. He flipped on the lights and it was then that we saw the most horrific sight of all.  HUNDREDS of flying termites swarming the room.  All over.  In the bathroom, the kitchen, above our beds, ON our beds.  EVERYWHERE.  And wings, wings everywhere. Apparently they shed their wings, which may be even grosser than the actual termites.

We sprung out of our beds, and went into the other room, the living room with the pull out couch and there were only a few in that room.  So we collected couch cushions, pillows, blankets and sheets, and five of us took turns between the pull out couch and sleeping on the floor. Some vacation.  

The next morning the manager told us she never had one family stay in two different rooms and have the same termite problem and suggested that maybe we had done something to bring the termites in.  Right lady, we brought termites in our purses for a free night. WTF. When the manager refused to come up and see the room and our new termite friends, my dad gave her his card and said, "Here's my card.  I hope you do the right thing.  If I don't hear from you, you'll hear from me whith a vengeance."  Yup, with a vengeance. We packed up our stuff, and headed to a new hotel.  Fuck the Marriott.  

When we booked this trip my sister and I booked an extra day just in case drama went down and we needed one more day of beach time.  Well we certainly needed it. Turns out our one more beach day was 60 degrees and pouring rain, and it was 75 and sunny in New York.  So, that's what its like vacationing with the Gentiles.  You are invited anytime to vacation with us and I can promise you that there is NEVER a dull moment.  

 

 

Wednesday
May152013

Most Unique Vagina Wax Ever

shaving-pubic-hair-brazilian-wax-landing-strip-590x275Tomorrow my sad, pale little toes will be reunited with the white sandy beaches of Miami Beach. I look forward to laying in the sun, with a cocktail in hand, and swimming in the warm, perfectly blue ocean. I don't miss Florida, but I do miss the beaches.  They are so beautiful. I guess I didn't realize that no where else in the US has a beach that could compare to a South Florida beach until I left.  Sorry New York Beaches, you don't even compare.  From tomorrow until Monday I will be in Miami and Key West.  So you know what that means, I need to shave my legs (When you live in New York, you stop doing that) and more importantly, I need to wax my insanely hairy vagina.  Or Vajina, as it is called in latin culture.  I am usually good at keeping myself well groomed down there but the past two months, I let it ride.  

Every month I am diligent about my vagina hair removal.  And yes, it's for me, not for anyone else.  I like having no hair down there.  My place is in my hood and it is a little overpriced, but it's a block away from my apartment, so that's where I went today when I was pressed for time. My usual hair removal artist (you like that?) was not there when I went in, so I put my vagina in the hands of a cute friendly bubbly woman from Nepal named Anna. I literally put my vagina in her hands.

Her tecnique was like nothing I have ever experienced. She would first to rip the hair off my body. Standard practice. But then she would whisper excitedly, "Yes!" if she got all the hair off that she wanted to remove and then forcefully blow on the newly bald spot to help the pain.  Rip, Yes, blow with force, rip, yes, blow with force.  She blew on every part of my nether regions, including the butt strip.  A women blew on my butt hole. I can't believe it now.  I couldn't believe it then.  It was actually quite calming and intimate in a way.  The whole process took about 45 minutes.  (I guess the two extra steps, added a little time onto the process) but it was so worth it.  She was so excited whenever the hair came out it was like we were going though something together.  At the end, I hugged her and said, "Thank you for saving my life", paid and walked out.  

Miami, I am ready for you, beeeacccch!