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Big City Sprinter

SWEATY-MARATHON-W-NUMBEROver the past few months running has become a major theme in my life.  No, I’m not running away from my problems (I have dealt with the fact that I am going to die alone head on), and I’m not suffering from a case of the runs (although if you are, I hear Imodium works wonders). I’ve been doing a lot of running because I have been training for a Half Marathon.

But I am not the only one running. I’ve also noticed recently that men have LITERALLY started running away from me! I’ve had a few men actually BOLT away from me…. As if they were training for a Half Marathon.  Maybe I’d make a better coach than a runner. 

I hit training for the Half Marathon full on with grace, determination and with vigor. While training, I washed my IPOD in the washing machine and had to order a new one, I ran 8 miles after drinking 4 maker marks the night before, and I got laid (not while I was running).  I decided that all I wanted to accomplish during this race was two things:

1.  to not die

2.  to not lose a toenail.

So with training coming to an end, it was time! Last weekend I flew to Florida for the big race. (And also to soak up some rays because the weather in NY is an abomination and is giving me the worst case of SAD I have ever had.  Even my ingrown hairs have SAD). 

The race was in beautiful Ft Lauderdale Florida.  It’s funny, most people decide to run a race to exercise, to challenge yourself and most importantly to feel in shape and lose weight.  HA!  I gained 5 pounds the week before the race because I kept saying things like this:  “Well, I can eat 3000 chips, because I am running 13.1 miles in a few days” or “I can eat 3 bagels loaded with honey nut schmear because I need to fuel up for my race in a few days.” And other people encourage it 100%.  So, I learned from this race, that running a marathon or a half marathon is a great way to find excuses to eat disgusting things.  And now, I am a fat cow.  And I have to be naked in front of strangers. Diet starts tomorrow. I swear. 

When we started the race there was this little boy about 11 years old and his dad running together.  They were in front of us for the first half of the race, and then we passed them…  but in the beginning I thought… why is this little boy running from me?  Does he know the same secret as all these men in NY that should be eligible bastards?  How does he know at such a young age to run away from me?  Then I realized we were running in a race.  He was just running the race.

I also learned during the half marathon that running is very competitive. People say “I don’t care about my time, I just want to finish.”  LIARS.  When you are there, in that sea of people, you look around and if someone is older, fatter, or more disabled than you, you will do everything in your power to beat them.  THEY MUST GO DOWN! My friend Mandy recently ran a full marathon and her running partner had a mantra she would say to herself during the whole race, “don’t let fatty outrun you”.  Not very nice, but I bet she made GREAT time not letting fatty outrun her.  Wait, was fatty, Mandy?  My mom has run a few marathons and in the Disney marathon a few years back, there was a female “little person” beating her in the race.  And my mom did everything in her power to beat her.  She didn’t want someone with such small legs to beat her time.  She’d speed up, the little person would pass her (Let’s call her Ethel, I feel weird when I type “little person”). She’d pass her and Ethel would speed up with her little itty bitty legs…  at the last second they were neck to neck and my mom gained up all the strength she had left and passed her at the last second at the 26.2 finish line.  You showed her mom! 

So 13.1 miles later, I did it.  That’s right you heard me… this Big City Siren ran a half marathon, and I had never run more than 5 miles until training for this race.   Overall, the race was amazing.  I didn’t die and I didn’t lose a toenail (although one of my toenails in black and blue, and according to the experts… I think it’s a goner.  I’ll let you know what happens in full detail).

My mom and I ran together and stayed together for the first 10 miles and then I sped up and bolted the last 3.1 both because I just wanted it to be over, and also because my mom is older than me and I couldn’t let her outrun me. Don’t let Oldie outrun you.   My only regret was at mile 11 or so.  A group of locals set up a keg outside of their house and were giving out beer to the runners and I didn’t stop to get any. I really missed that opportunity.  My time was 2 hrs and 19 minutes, which put me at 10.6 minute miles my mom came in about 5 minutes behind me.  I showed her.

I’m currently back in NY and I cant help but think that, while I am done with the training, the long runs, and the chafing, are men done running away from me?

So men, bring it on (but be gentle)!  Tell me, what warrants this RUNNING away? Now listen, I have my insecurities just like the best of them (Hitler) but I’m not a troll with branch hands, I’ve looked, continuously and obsessively. Every day I wake up and look in the mirror and the FIRST thing I do is make sure that I still have fingers and that there are no leaves in my bed.  I also carry gum, so unless someone has something to tell me, I don’t think it’s my breath.  And I am avid waxer.  So, no branch hands, gum in my purse, and an avid waxer, I’d say I am a catch.  That is the trifecta, isn’t it?

Recently I’ve consulted a few men (amongst them were ex boyfriends who are still my friends) who say that to some men I am intimidating.   “You’re good looking, funny, smart, brilliant (well, they didn’t say brilliant exactly, but I think they meant it).

You know what I say to the men who are intimidated, “Put on your big girl panties and deal with it”.  There are plenty of women out there that are funny, charismatic, and look good naked.  And I think I look better naked than in clothes…  so get your shit together.  Unless you want a troll with branch hands… or a dead fish.  And if you do, than you deserve her.

And to my ladies who are hot, cool, and hilarious, here are a few tips

1. Keep doing what you are doing

2. Don’t run a marathon because you will get fat.

3. Get waxed, check for leaves, and chew gum.

4.  You do you, son!


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Reader Comments (1)

Wow,,,you could be SEX IN THE CITY G2 (yes, I've watched it...what do you want? It's running on E late at night when I'm trying to find programs to put me to sleep.) Truthfully, it's incredibly difficult for me to imagine that there aren't mobs of guys chasing you all the time. I admit to not knowing you really well...you worked in my sketch group for awhile and we worked on a few other minor projects. But, I have to agree with your own stated self perception that you are basically: hot, funny, talented and nice. The only other things I can come up outside of thanking you for the entertainment of describing your plight is that I'm really glad I'm a guy. When I recently hit forty (a very painful experience) I thought life was over until I discovered that to my suprise the hot girls that were in their twenties that had zero interest me when I was the same age, were more interested in me than ever...which is nice other than the cruel joke that being as I'm happily married for 9 years and want to stay that way, I can't act on it other than perhaps some harmless flirting...my point being though that cold hard facts are that a guy that is in shape, at least decent looking and financially successful will always have girls 10-20 years younger than him eagerly available. So, maybe you should cast your net wider (if not 20 years older at least 10) or maybe just chill because even though I don't know you too well, I'm usually right with my hunches and I think you're a pretty exceptional woman who just like the Sex in the City chicks will find that perfect match.

March 1, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterPaul Lawrence

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