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Just Another New York Night (until you are accosted by a 2 liter bottle of Sprite)


The other night I got all dressed up, put on some heels and went out on the town. I've been feeling really good lately.  I lost some weight, I got out of a relationship that made me bat shit crazy (Yes, I know you're probably reading this and if you were a little nicer to me when we broke up, I wouldn't even mention you in this post so... sorry, not sorry.)

I had a really great night and headed home at around 3, walked my dog Oliver and then went to my deli for my usual egg white and cheese on a whole wheat wrap.  When in the deli, Bill, the youngest brother of the deli-guy family was working. First of all, I know my deli guys for about 6 years.  They are my friends on facebook, they've met every ex boyfriend, and they know my family.

Before my wrap was ready, I went to the counter to pay, and in my way there was a woman in her 30's, who looked drunk, but not crazy, standing at the counter and blocking everyone from purchasing their stuff. She was rummaging through her purse and continuously dropping things on the floor.  She was obviously a mess and very drunk but i'm sure I've been in there in a similar state at some point in my years living in Hell's Kitchen I'm sure.  

There were a few other people in the deli and no one could make their purchases because she was in the way, rummaging through her bag, looking for a pen, gum, dropping pills, an inhaler... a mess.

After a good 7 minutes, Bill gave her a pen and asked her to please go to sit at the counter near the window so she wasn't in the way of his customers. Her response to tell him to shut the fuck up or she was going to call the police or punch him in the face.  Apparently, she had been there for a while and Bill was trying to be super patient, but now she was being aggressive.  She then called me a cunt, I guess because I was standing there. What a cunt I am! I was just waiting for my egg white and cheese dammit, and I wasn't going anywhere until I got it!  

She refused to move and said she was calling the cops.  Bill welcomed that idea! And as she was calling the cops, he was calling them as well.  When she called the cops she walked away for a minute towards the back of the store, but I heard her say rape, and what I think she said was that my deli guy raped her and then I really wasn't moving.  

Listen.  I had been in there now a good 10 to 15 minutes, I knew these guys, I knew this girl was drunk, and crying rape is scary and not okay.  I decided to just hang around until the cops came, just in case things got out of control and I needed to protect my deli guys.  So Oliver and I were just standing there when she came back from the back of the store, told us she called the cops and then threw a 2 liter bottle at me and my dog and it exploded everywhere.  My deli guy jumped over the counter so fast to protect me, it was actually really cute.  

I decided to step outside and wait for the cops out there and out of the corner of my eye, I saw this dude outside of the bar next door check me out a few times.  I wasn't really in a trolling mood, I had sprite all over me, it was almost 4am but he looked cute, so I snuck a peek.  Then the crazy girl ran out of the deli with cookies and a few 2 liter bottles of soda and was shoplifting!!! She ran across the street, the deli guy ran after her and then I saw her hit him in the face, twice!  It was insane.  Then she came running BACK across the street and it looked like this nut job was coming right at me... I ran across the street with Oliver yelling, "gotta protect my face" and that dude that was checking me out started laughing and scooped me up and hid with me across the street. My knight in shining armor, the only straight guy in Hell's Kitchen, walked me to the gay bar POSH and waited with me and Oliver until the cops came.  He then got my number and last night we met up and made out a lot.  See? It's not hard to meet a man.  You just have to get accosted, be called a cunt, and get the police involved.  



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