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Monday
May252015

Well doggone it, look who's single

image1 (2)I got a dog a few years ago to help me meet men. After many hangouts in local dog parks and outings all over New York City it finally worked. Oliver walked me into the arms of a hottie hotterson outside my deli one drunken 4am on a Monday night when I was living in NYC.  On our 1st date I brought him along… our second date as well… and come to think of it, I think in the past year, we’ve hung out without Oliver maybe once or twice. I’ve been dating this dapper dude for over a year now after we both moved to LA and rekindled our little threeway.. me, my man, and Oliver the dog.  

My boyfriend is so cute with him.  When he comes over he will attack Oliver with kisses before I get my share of love. He will spoon him tight all night as the big spoon while I have to hang on in the back without anyone holding me… it’s really...cute.  

They are absolutely in love. In fact, my man will send his mom cute pics of them hanging at the beach, hiking at Griffith Park, or just lounging around the house on a lazy Sunday.  It’s so funny, because he hasn’t even told her about me and she knows everything about Oliver.  He even wanted to bring Oliver home for Thanksgiving.  I thought about letting him go but I didn’t want to be alone for the holiday.  Wait a MINUTE.  

I’ve been dating him for a YEAR and his mother doesn’t know that I exist but she knows Oliver’s favorite treats, his origin story, and his birthday?! Whoa Whoa WHOA.  I am the third wheel in my own relationship! This isn’t about ME.  This is about Oliver. Do you think… wait, do you think he’s only dating me to get to Oliver?  Of course he is!  I mean, Oliver can sleep over for two weeks in a row but god forbid I want "too many sleepovers" in a week. Should I kill him?  I mean, the dog. Get rid of the body, Jinx Style!?  This seems to be the only way to get to my boyfriend and have him all to myself once and for all.  But if I kill him, he will be SO devastated it may ruin our relationship. I know what I must do.  I must cause a rift between the two. They must have a fight, a bad falling out.  But how to do it? I could teach Oliver to pee in his shoes?  To eat his favorite Back to the Future shirt?  To pee in his shoes?  Wait, did I already say that?

But they love each other.  Their bond is stronger than anything I’ve seen before.  The baby talk that occurs… it’s special… it’s.... different.  You can see that they are best friends and their love is everlasting.  And I, well. I... he doesn’t look at me like he looks at Oliver.  And Oliver doesn’t lick my face like he licks his.  I think I need to bow out.  I think I need to appreciate the love I’ve received this past year and let them move forward in what they have.  I will find another dog, who will bring me another man.  

What am I saying?! Oliver is my Prince.  And I don’t care what Oliver needs.  I rescued him from the streets of Compton.  He’s lucky to have a home.  So, I guess I just have to break up with the boyfriend.  

LA.  Get ready.  She’s single and ready to mingle... and she has a REALLY cute dog.  

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