Hallelujah! I live alone again! After 5 years of living alone in NY, I moved to LA and had a roommate for the past year. To be perfectly honest, my living situation this past year was very comfortable, so I’ll curb my bitching and moaning. A beautiful building and apartment, a fancy rooftop pool with a breathtaking view of Downtown LA, a washer/dryer in the unit, a roommate who took me in with open arms, etc. But I don’t care if your roommate is Billie Joe Armstrong, (I’m a huge Greenday Fan. I’m sorry. We’ll talk about it at another time) there is NOTHING like living alone.
There are many perks to living alone.
1. Coming home drunk and shoveling half a jar of almond butter into your mouth because there is nothing else to eat and no one there to judge you, or to know it ever happened. I mean, for all the next person who looks into your fridge knows, you bought that jar weeks ago… so yea, of course it’s almost done. You’ve had the recommended serving size 17 times. Not 17 servings in one sitting which watching a DVRed episode of Millionaire Matchmaker at 1am on a Tuesday. THAT would be CRAZY.
B. Having the living room to yourself whenever you want, to do whatever you want. You can tweeze ingrown hairs while laying on the couch watching the View, yelling at the TV that you disagree with Whoopi and you’re with Rosie on this one without shame or embarrassment.
C. Weird bathroom behavior. When living solo, you can use the bathroom with the door open, If it’s yellow, always let it mellow, and you can blow dry your hair and poop at the same time to save yourself some time in the am. Don't knock it til you try it.
4. You can bring home whoever you want with no one to judge you but your dog. And as cute as Oliver is, his opinion doesn’t matter because he licks his own butthole. Please don’t tell PETA I said that or start some hashtag #dogsopinionsmatter.
5. But the best part about living alone is being naked as much as you possibly can in the most non-attractive ways possible. Cooking naked, cleaning naked, naked scrap booking, naked bookkeeping, naked organizing, naked laundry…. Naked, nakedness.
Now I need a couch, a TV, and some tweezers to make this list happen.