When men reach a certain age they go through the, “I Need to be a Provider” crisis. It’s usually around the age of 30 and it also often compliments the women’s, “I Need to have Kids Soon or my Eggs are going to Dry Up and Die” stage. Add a glass of Cabernet to the mix, and Viola! Nervous breakdowns for everyone!
I’ve been thinking about these two stages a lot. Ready for kids or not, as a woman, I sometimes think about my eggs dying because it’s a biological issue…It’s a scientific fact that the older I get, the harder it will be for my ovaries to wake up and make a baby happen. I’m thinking at this age, my ovaries are kind of like my comedy career. I have time… but if they don’t start making moves, they are going to wind up doing community theatre in Boca Raton Florida for the rest of their lives. Make sense? Great!
But the “Men as Providers” breakdown… it’s such an old school mentality. It’s a “Bring Home the Bacon” way of thinking. Nowadays, women are happy to bring home their own bacon. Well, for me it’s turkey bacon, but who’s counting? I only need men to provide me with a few things.
I need them to kill mice. I really can’t bring myself to kill them. I can get them on the trap but then I throw them out the window because I couldn’t handle killing them and putting them out of their misery. So yes, if I find myself back in New York, I would like a live-in man to kill mice for me. Note: This is more of an East Coast issue.
Changing light bulbs. My ceiling are high, and because I don’t have a ladder, when I climb on my step stool, I still can’t reach to change my light bulbs. I have a really tall friend, Kelly, who could probably do it for me, but it would be nice to have a live-in man to do that while wearing nothing but a tool belt. Note: Please see picture to the right. You're welcome.
And the third thing that I need a man to provide is SEX. That’s it. Plain and simple.
So men, stop worrying about being a provider. Just get your mouse-killing game down, do some stretching for a lengthy reach, buy a tool belt, and be available for sex whenever possible.