Sunday
Oct062013

Single's Week is Stupid

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Did last week seem a little lonelier than usual?  Did you have an awesome week hanging with your girl friends and trolling for dudes with popped collars?  Did you see that woman screaming on the subway that she wanted to die?  If you answered yes to any of those questions, then you may have put together that last week was "Single's Week".  

Yes, that's right. According to some of my single friends on Facebook, last week was Single's Week, and both Facebook and my single lady friends are NEVER wrong.  Except for my friend who went home with a 24 year old DJ and woke up with a suprise on her.... never mind.  Sometimes my single friends are wrong.  

Did you celebrate Single's Week?  I did. I celebrated it by performing my most single behavior which includes but is not limited to: Eating a cup cake for dinner, going out to eat with a couple and being the third wheel, three times, getting stood up by a dude on Saturday night, and pooping while blow-drying my hair. Pooping while blow-drying my hair is probably my most single behavior.  Sometimes I'm in a rush. 

My friends on FB expected me to "Girl Power" all over Single's Week's face because I am a strong, independent, single lady, but let's be real.  If you ASK any of my single friends, they will tell you they are either looking for or at least interested in companionship.  Sorry if I'm being negative.  But it's true.  So I guess my point is that I don't celebrate "I'm Hungry, and I'd like a Piece of Pizza and There isn't any here in my Apartment Week". So, I'm not sure why I would celebrate Singl'e Week.  It makes sense in my head.

I'll be real.  I am not necessarily looking for anyone or really doing a good job putting myself out there, unless trolling on OK Cupid counts, (I. Can't. Stop. Looking), but I am interested in the idea of being in a realtionship. Just like I am interested in eating pizza, but I don't feel like going to the pizza place a few doors down.  

I will think positively for a minute, (but just a minute so you better read this next part in under a minute), and say this:  celebrating being single is a good reminder of why you aren't dating the last idiot you dated, or the two idiots before. (Sorry idiot #1,2, and 3 but stop reading my blog is you don't like it). It's also a good reminder that dating someone because they make an epic sandwich, does not a relationship make. The sandwich, while delicious, does not make up for the fact that HE DOESN'T WANT TO BE YOUR BOYFRIEND.  I repeat, he just makes a great sandwich.  You can make your own sandwich without him.  You can't date someone for their sandwiches, great body, the fact that they like Breaking Bad or that they can play the Ukulele.  It's just not good enough for you.  

I am a CATCH.  (See picture below)

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Single's Week is a reminder that when you are single you are thinner, you don't have to listen to some dude snore in your ear, and you don't have to be so concerned about another person, and you can focus on yourself. 

I think I have really grown up this past little stretch that I've been single.  I know my worth, which unfortunately a year ago, I knew my worth but didn't honor it.  I got stirred up in the pretty lights.  I dated someone for the heck of it while still thinking about and not being over someone else, and that's confusing and damaging for everyone involved.  I also cared more about them and their feelings than I did myself. Each man in my life has taught me a lesson about myself.  Shown me my major weaknesses, so I do think heartbreak, and disappointment, and singledom is extremely important.  

So this is no "Pity Party, Party of 1".  This is also not a Girl Power blog entry.  It's something in the middle. So now leave me alone and stop reminding me that I'm single.  I'm going to go watch The Real Housewives, eat chocolate, fart and rub my belly... alone.  Actually, I have one man in my life that will be joining me and he has a huge wang and that's all I really need. Not his wang, but him. You may know him, his name is Oliver.

Ps. Do you guys think I'm going to go have sex with my dog? While he has a huge wang, I'm not going to touch it or anything.  Just shut up.  And happy late Single's Week.

Pss.  Did you guys notice that I still haven't written about moving to LA because I am totally in denial.  Just give me time okay.  Stop pressuring me.

Pps.  You look really great in that outfit.  Are you single?

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Monday
Sep302013

My Latest OK Cupid Conquest

In the past month I've been to Chicago, North Carolina, and California. I've done two keg stands, got married in a backyard in Culver City and exchanged vowels (now vows, vowels), I temporarily moved to Brooklyn, and I'm moving to LA.  WHAT!? Different blog, different day.  I promise we will get to it.  I am still in denial, and I am not ready to write about it... LIFE CHANGES.

I still have a few months left in NYC and I want to make them count, so I've decided to get my NYC sexy on by hitting up some true gentlemen on OK Cupid.  Looks like it's going to be a very busy three months.  Here are the eligible bastards I've found so far:

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Monday
Aug262013

Why Chicago is Cooler than New York

 

1149721_10100963419202097_541671245_oam a huge New York fan. I have lived in this city for about 8 years and I still really, really love it and I know that there is no place like it. Usually when I travel I think, "this place is cool, but I miss New York”. This week I went to visit one of my favorite people in the world in a city I had never been to before: Chicago. Chicago, you have stolen my heart.

You are clean: When getting off the plane, I had to pee.  My stall was immaculate and the toilet was one of those fancy toilets that cleans itself after you use it. (In NY, you can only find this in Bryant park).  Okay Chicago, I get it.  I’m not even out of the airport and I already know that you’re cleaner than us.  I was there for four days and I saw three pieces of trash. Three. In New York, you can maybe find three inches of sidewalk where there isn't a piece of garbage.

Better transportation:

Cabs: I like a city that you don’t need a car.  Anywhere you need to go in Chicago is $10 in a cab. Seriously. I took a taxi during rush hour across town and it was still $10.  

Subway: Their trains are mostly above ground so you can use your phones while riding and NO ONE was being an asshole about it.  I didn’t hear one person on their phone the entire time that I rode the train.  (I also didn’t smell a hint of urine in the train station or see one piece of trash. See You are clean above).

 

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The Married With Children Fountain.

Food: Deep dish, ehhhh.  Sorry Chicago, but New York, you win Best Pizza but damn, those Chi-town hot dogs are perfect.  That peeper, the mustard, the poppy seeds...New York, your dogs don’t hold a candle.

Night life: We got a table to eat a delicious meal in a trendy part of town on a Saturday night with NO wait and NO reservation.  Beat that, New York.  

Rent: My friend pays what I pay in rent and has a big one bedroom, with a balcony and a backyard.  I have a studio apartment with no sunlight, a meth-dealer neighbor, and mice.  


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They have Wrigley Field.  

The Men: The men there are Midwestern Gentlemen.  They were cute, laid back, tall and cornfed.  Our men are stressed out, short, and complete assholes.

Lake Michigan: There is literally a beach in the middle of their city.  You don’t have to take the subway and a train to see a body of water that you can actually swim in.  And no, the Hudson River doesn’t count. If you swam in there you'd grow a few extra eyes and flippers.

Chicago has everything New York has: the theatre, the comedy, the food, the music but it’s smaller, and there are less people so you can actually enjoy it. I am serious, I have NEVER gone on vacation and thought I could live in a place tomorrow.  Chicago, you have me…. New York, I’m sorry.  


*** Disclaimer: Right now I have bed bugs.  Please check back in with me when this is cleared up to see if I still feel the same****

 

Wednesday
Jul172013

Pigeon Parade- Special Slop Edition

photo (10)I have lived in the same building for years now, and there is a corner down the street from my apartment that always has some sort of slop thrown on it.  Yes, slop.  It's the only way to describe it. Said slop infuriates me because it smells, it's slippery, and my dog wants to eat it. I have wondered for years, as I have to angrily drag my dog away from what looks like left over Chinese, or wet bread, or whatever else kind of crap is there, who would do this!? Who is throwing SLOP on the sidewalk? I have made speculations in the past as to which neighbor would do such a thing, but I've been searching for years, and I have never found a culprit.  Until now. While walking Oliver the dog the other day, I saw an old man walking down the street with a paper bag filled with something... could it be the slop that has haunted my hood for years?  I followed him, and sure enough...  it was this old man.  Not only did he throw the food, (which happened to only be bread this time) he sat there and watched in glee with this horrific smile on his face as the pigeons chowed down.  As you can see from the video, the worst part about the slop is that creates a pigeon parade on my own block.  And if you know me at all, you know how I feel about pigeons. 

 

Monday
Jul152013

Blame it on the Rain

IMG_0126 2I am not good at picking up guys.  In New York, we walk out of our doors and immediately put on our "fuck-you face", and I feel like this city has made me a "No-eye-contact monster" when it comes to interactions with cute strangers.  I had a really good friend in town recently who not only has no eye-contact issues, she is a very good wing woman. Emily was here for 5 days, and because of her I got three phone number exchanges out of it.  Nothing came from any of them. Well, except for this blog. You can thank Emily.

Emily took my Sex and the City tour one day while she was in town.  One of the stops on the tour is the Bleecker Playground/park so tourists can go to Magnolia, Jimmy Choo, and see if Suri Cruise is in the park wearing heels and acting like an asshole, etc.  When we got to this stop, I looked over and they had put a piano in the middle of Bleecker park and had an adorable piano player singing his happy little butt off. Piano man kept staring at me.  I had to walk past him a few times because I was leading the tour, and he just kept looking at me and smiling.  So Emily made me put my number in a dollar bill and put it in his tip bucket.  When I walked over to give him the dollar, he stopped singing and said, "Your number better be in there".  Game on!

He texted me the next day with a very standard, "Hi this is Jimmy from the park.  You seem interesting and I'd like to take you out sometime..."  No banter or anything funny or cute to work with, but hey, some people aren't great on text, right? Right. Not a deal breaker.  The next time I had a free night was almost a week later so we scheduled a date the next week.  He picked the place. Halleluah!  

I did not hear a word from him all week.  Nothing.  No texts, no banter, honestly nothing to look forward to. Side note: GUYS! You need to CALL a girl if you are going on a first date and you don't know each other ... it sets a really great foundation and gives us something to look forward to.  SO, I hear nothing from him. Nothing. Thursday comes, date day, and it's a gloomy day and looks like it's about to pour any minute.  Not ideal date weather, but whatever, it could be romantic. I'm thinking positively! I don't hear from him all day.  I get off of work. Still no contact. I go home and two hours before our date is supposed to happen, I finally text him asking if we are still on... here are our texts:

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So then I sent him a link for Blame it on the Rain, Milli Vanilli.

Listen, if he called me and said he was having a shitty day, and wanted to reschedule for next week, It would have been fine. I was exhausted from working all day anyway. It was the fact that I had to ask him two hours before if we were still on because I never heard a word from him, then we weren't on, then we were on, then I took a shower and got ready, then he said we weren't on, then I went out and got drunk with my friends and it rained for 5 minutes.  It was just rude. COURT A LADY, right? I didn't like, "Have a good night." Like it was over. End of story. Bye.

The next day, after he watched Blame it on the Rain, I get another text from him.

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I never let him know because by then I was over it.  Then a week later:

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And there it is.  Next!

Wednesday
Jun052013

Just Another New York Night (until you are accosted by a 2 liter bottle of Sprite)

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The other night I got all dressed up, put on some heels and went out on the town. I've been feeling really good lately.  I lost some weight, I got out of a relationship that made me bat shit crazy (Yes, I know you're probably reading this and if you were a little nicer to me when we broke up, I wouldn't even mention you in this post so... sorry, not sorry.)

I had a really great night and headed home at around 3, walked my dog Oliver and then went to my deli for my usual egg white and cheese on a whole wheat wrap.  When in the deli, Bill, the youngest brother of the deli-guy family was working. First of all, I know my deli guys for about 6 years.  They are my friends on facebook, they've met every ex boyfriend, and they know my family.

Before my wrap was ready, I went to the counter to pay, and in my way there was a woman in her 30's, who looked drunk, but not crazy, standing at the counter and blocking everyone from purchasing their stuff. She was rummaging through her purse and continuously dropping things on the floor.  She was obviously a mess and very drunk but i'm sure I've been in there in a similar state at some point in my years living in Hell's Kitchen I'm sure.  

There were a few other people in the deli and no one could make their purchases because she was in the way, rummaging through her bag, looking for a pen, gum, dropping pills, an inhaler... a mess.

After a good 7 minutes, Bill gave her a pen and asked her to please go to sit at the counter near the window so she wasn't in the way of his customers. Her response to tell him to shut the fuck up or she was going to call the police or punch him in the face.  Apparently, she had been there for a while and Bill was trying to be super patient, but now she was being aggressive.  She then called me a cunt, I guess because I was standing there. What a cunt I am! I was just waiting for my egg white and cheese dammit, and I wasn't going anywhere until I got it!  

She refused to move and said she was calling the cops.  Bill welcomed that idea! And as she was calling the cops, he was calling them as well.  When she called the cops she walked away for a minute towards the back of the store, but I heard her say rape, and what I think she said was that my deli guy raped her and then I really wasn't moving.  

Listen.  I had been in there now a good 10 to 15 minutes, I knew these guys, I knew this girl was drunk, and crying rape is scary and not okay.  I decided to just hang around until the cops came, just in case things got out of control and I needed to protect my deli guys.  So Oliver and I were just standing there when she came back from the back of the store, told us she called the cops and then threw a 2 liter bottle at me and my dog and it exploded everywhere.  My deli guy jumped over the counter so fast to protect me, it was actually really cute.  

I decided to step outside and wait for the cops out there and out of the corner of my eye, I saw this dude outside of the bar next door check me out a few times.  I wasn't really in a trolling mood, I had sprite all over me, it was almost 4am but he looked cute, so I snuck a peek.  Then the crazy girl ran out of the deli with cookies and a few 2 liter bottles of soda and was shoplifting!!! She ran across the street, the deli guy ran after her and then I saw her hit him in the face, twice!  It was insane.  Then she came running BACK across the street and it looked like this nut job was coming right at me... I ran across the street with Oliver yelling, "gotta protect my face" and that dude that was checking me out started laughing and scooped me up and hid with me across the street. My knight in shining armor, the only straight guy in Hell's Kitchen, walked me to the gay bar POSH and waited with me and Oliver until the cops came.  He then got my number and last night we met up and made out a lot.  See? It's not hard to meet a man.  You just have to get accosted, be called a cunt, and get the police involved.  

 

 

Friday
May242013

Me and Amanda Bynes

amanda-bynes-1339680687When I was younger I auditioned for the Nickelodeon show ALL THAT.  I was called back a few times and my dad and I had to drive back and forth to Orlando for the final callbacks. They made us write our own material, and I must have been ten years old at the time.  For part of my act, I wrote a parody of the song "I'm too Sexy" and sang and acted it as an old 80 year old Jewish lady. "Oy, I'm too sexy for my cane, too sexy for my cane, I'm sorry to complain..." you get the point. (As you read this, please sing that last sentence in your best old lady Jew voice to get the full effect. I swear it's funny.)

It got down to me and Amanda Bynes. Yes, THE Amanda Bynes. She got the part, I did not.  I was really upset that I didn't get the part but my mom told me, "Everything happens for a reason".

So now, I'm a Sex and City Tourguide and struggling actor living in Midtown Manhattan and Amanda Bynes is a retired actress, throwing bongs out of her window in Midtown Manhattan.  Is it bad that I can't tell who won?

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